Not Good Enough
by almighty-carolyn
Summary: "He wondered where he had gone wrong."


my first fanfic :)

all belongs to JK Rowling

Sirius's teeth worried at the soft skin of his bottom lip. It was a new inclination that had cropped up a few weeks ago. His constant chewing and nibbling had left his lips raw, chapped, and often left a coppery taste in his mouth that he knew was his own blood. There was a faint crease between his brows that never seemed to go away. It deepened as his lip split, and he was left musing why he had formed the dreadful habit.

For Sirius never had the need for such little quirks; he always was busy, thus keeping nervousness and boredom at bay. Whether it was swinging at a bludger during Quidditch practice, or pranking the Slytherins when they least expected it, or sneaking down to Hogsmeade with James, there was never a dull moment.

_James._

_Yes_, Sirius decided, _that was it_. James was the reason behind these new bizarre feelings and coping mechanisms. _Or more likely Evans_, Sirius reasoned. _Yes_. _Definitely Evans_.

_Lily Evans_.

Sirius's eyes, normally gleaming silver, were at the moment dark grey as if the light had gone out behind them. His gaze swept around the room and came to rest upon the object of his reflections. The merry glow of the fire shone on her head of glossy red hair, causing several shades of gold and brown strands to glimmer in a very irritating way, Sirius observed. He watched her plump lips and frighteningly green eyes turn up into a smile. He heard her laugh from across the room, a pretty sound to anyone else, but it made Sirius cringe. She was beautiful.

But not to Sirius.

Sirius didn't loathe Lily Evans. Just a very strong dislike. Because she was the reason why his best friend – _brother_, Sirius thought with clenched jaw – hadn't spoken to him in a little over a week.

The light of the common room fire washed over Sirius, much like it did over the girl on the opposite side of the room. Though instead of exuding warmth and light, Sirius's face was bathed in shadow. His high cheekbones were thrown into sharp relief, while his eyes had turned into dark pits. The small table at which he was seated was covered in open books and scraps of parchment, a pot of black ink and a crimson quill. Sirius's long fingers fiddled with his wand absently. _No, tonight is not the night for homework_, he resolved.

He stood from the red armchair and gathered his things into his bag, then slung it over his back. He kept his eyes to the ground as he tucked his wand away into his pocket and headed towards the spiral staircase. Slowly he ascended the steps – _12, 13, 14_, he counted – and opened the door to his dormitory. The room was deadly quiet. He silently observed the circular room, noting that the four beds were empty. He was alone.

Sirius deposited his bag onto his bed and stripped, ripping off his red-and-gold Gryffindor tie and white oxford, toeing off his shoes and socks, and dropping his grey slacks. He walked into the bathroom and was about to enter the shower when he caught sight of himself in the mirror.

Grey eyes, now almost black, flicked up and down his figure. He was tall, with long limbs and a bit of wiry muscle. His torso was sculpted magnificently, supported by slender hips and powerful legs. Silky, dark hair wisped around his sharp jaw. Sirius couldn't find a single flaw.

He turned back to the shower, feeling lost and confused.

When he reentered the bedroom, steam escaping from the shower room in a gentle caress, the dormitory was no longer empty. Remus – _Moony_ – was seated on the bed to the right of Sirius's with a large book open in front of him. Sirius was surprised to say he recognized it: _Advanced Transfiguration_. Of course. He hadn't been waiting for Sirius. Because Remus – _Moony_ – no longer cared.

His heart clenched and his stomach twisted painfully. How many times had he felt this way before? Too many to count. He had apologized profusely for the incident at the Shack, it had been an accident – _a mistake, not a choice _– and Remus said he'd forgiven him. But he never truly had. Their easy friendship was gone, replaced by a slight glint of mistrust and unease in Remus's eyes.

He was terrified when tears pricked the back of his eyes, and he was glad that his back was turned to his friend – _friend?_ He dressed in a black t-shirt and jeans, eyelids clamped shut to dam the flow. By the time he was finished, he was confident he didn't appear distraught. He turned back to Remus.

"Common room?" he asked in what he hoped was a casual tone.

Remus looked up briefly, then responded, "No, I was just there. I wanted some quiet. But I'll see you later, alright?"

Sirius nodded, opening the door. He began to descend the stairs, but paused when the common room came into view. His normal spot, the red and gold couch on the far right side, had been claimed.

_Evans._

His lip was caught between his teeth again. He debated whether or not to continue. On one hand, he would have to endure Evans's company, but on the other he would have to explain to Remus why he changed his mind about going to the common room. His heart clenched as his foot moved to the next step. He wanted – _needed_ – to spend time with James.

Instead of joining the couple on the couch, he settled in the armchair across from them. The firelight touched his skin once more, but Sirius felt colder here than in the darkened dormitory.

Peter was sitting cross-legged on the floor, tongue between his teeth as he worked on his Transfiguration essay. He looked up, greeted with a dull, "Hey, Sirius," then went back to his scroll of parchment. Upon hearing his name, James turned to Sirius and smiled genuinely.

"Hey, mate, haven't seen you in awhile," he said cheerfully.

"Wonder whose fault that is," Sirius murmured under his breath.

James's smile faltered at this, and he glanced over at Lily – _Evans_ – briefly. Her expression was unreadable as she gazed at Sirius.

"Wanted to know if you fancied a kitchen run," Sirius continued, lounging lazily in his chair.

James glanced at Lily again, and hesitated.

Noticing this, Sirius said, "You'll be back in twenty minutes. Your precious Lily-flower won't wilt while you're gone."

Sirius took pleasure in the fact that Lily frowned at his nasty tone, and James looked distinctly uncomfortable. He smirked in triumph when James relented and agreed to accompany him to the kitchens. He stood, but the smirk slid from his face as James kissed her goodbye. He purposefully looked away and ignored the nauseating lurch of his stomach.

The two Marauders climbed through the portrait hole and began the journey to the basement kitchen. There was silence between them as they descended the first two staircases, the only noise their echoing footsteps in the empty hall. Then.

"What's up with you lately?" James asked.

Sirius grunted in an I-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about-way.

"You've been moodier than usual. Everything that comes out of your mouth is angry," his friend elaborated.

Sirius decided not to answer.

More silence, then a whispered, "Is it Lily?"

Sirius shut his eyes and clamped his jaws together. Was he really that thick? Apparently so.

"So it is then."

"Since when has it become Lily anyway?" Sirius snapped, "We've been calling her Evans for six years."

James looked over at him, surprised. "We're dating now," he said as if he were stating the obvious.

"I've noticed," Sirius ground out. He was beginning to regret this outing to the kitchens. He had wanted it to be like old times. Joking and mucking around, maybe hiding behind a suit of armor and waiting for someone to walk by to hex. Anything but this conversation, really.

"I love her, Sirius, you know that," he said quietly.

Sirius was starting to feel extremely ill. "And I'm your best friend," he said weakly.

James turned to him. They were now at the painting of the pear that served as the entrance to the kitchen. His eyes were pitying as they studied Sirius. He hated them.

"Sirius, I promise, I'm trying to split my time between the two of you. I know I haven't spent as much time with you as I have in the past, but Lily's the best thing that ever happened to me. Please understand," he said softly.

Tears threatened to fall for the second time that night. _Lily_ was the best thing that ever happened to him? Hadn't he, Sirius, been the one to make James hysterically laugh, spend nearly every waking minute with him, even comfort him when _Lily_ had rejected him for the fiftieth time? Sirius felt like he'd been punched in the gut. It wasn't fair.

He turned away from James, hot drops spilling down his cheeks. He wondered where he had gone wrong. His family rejected him, then Remus, and now James. He wasn't good enough, and James had chosen Lily over him. His heart felt like it had turned into a block of ice.

"Why does no one want me?" he whispered, walking away from James's wide, concerned eyes.

He was truly alone.


End file.
